The Final Conflict: A Time For Truth
by Anne T.M
Summary: They have emerge from the hub and home is within their reach but sometimes home is not where the heart is.


She wasn't at the party

Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything. Little pieces of information also came from the following books: Ragnarok, by Nathan Archer, Pathways by Jeri Taylor and Mosaic by Jeri Taylor.

This story is an addition to Endgames. Voyager has emerged from the cube and made it home. But for some home is not as inviting as they expecting.

The Final Conflict: A Time for Truth

Prologue

She wasn't at the party. I knew everyone was wondering why. I didn't know if it was my place to go find her. We had lost what we had. The last two years had been very hard on our friendship. Each day it felt like she was drifting further and further away from me and I had no way to pull her back. Maybe I should at least go and see if she is all right. Suddenly my mind drifted back to happier times: breakfasts, quiet dinners, New Earth. Back when I thought there was a chance for us but she had closed that door long ago. Why then did it all come rushing back today on the bridge? After we emerged from the sphere and we realized what we had done I grabbed her and hugged her. It was completely spontaneous. I can't belief I actually spun her around on the bridge! As I did I caught Seven's eye for just a moment. I knew I should have felt guilty that I was holding Kathryn and not Seven but the truth is I didn't. The fact is when I looked at Seven I felt nothing. Then someone shouted "You did it Captain." As I let her down she whispered to me, "We did it, Chakotay. Together." That was the last I spoke to her. I thought I would see her tonight and that maybe we could talk. I wasn't even sure if she knew about what was happening between me with Seven. Right now I really don't know much of anything but I cannot shake this feeling that I should go to her. 

I walked back over to my friends. "If you don't mind I think I will call it a night. I have some things I need to get done before we dock tomorrow."

Seven stood, "I'll will accompany you Commander."

Tom, who was there on orders from B'Elanna, didn't like what he had just heard. It was a long hard day for him. First he had to steer the ship through the trans warp hub, outrun the wave that would have destroyed them and some how emerge out of the sphere alive and well. If that was not enough, because of the damn Borg he had missed the birth of his daughter Miral. He smiled when he thought about what it felt like to hold her. And her name was so beautiful, Miral, a tribute to B'Elanna's mother. After all that B'Elanna still insisted that he attend the party and celebrate with his friends. He agreed, but it had been one hell of a day. He was tired and if he was honest a little afraid of facing his father and earth again. Maybe that was why at that moment Tom wanted nothing more than to reach out and strangle Seven. Or maybe he was hoping that Chakotay was going to find The Captain and some how they could work things out and Seven would be history. It's not that he hated Seven but he had watched the Captain and Chakotay dance around their feelings for each other for years. Maybe he had become a romantic since his marriage but he knew the two of them were meant for each other. Besides, the betting pool was still going and he had the last available bet, today!

"That won't be necessary, Seven. Stay and enjoy the party."

Seven raised her eyebrow as she did when she was questioning what she just heard. 

"As you wish Commander."

Since she decided to stay the doctor took that opportunity to whisk her out onto the dance floor.

As they danced he wondered why she couldn't see that the Commander had feelings for someone else and that her true love was holding her right now.

As Chakotay got up to leave Tom gave a knowing glance, "Good luck!"

Chakotay began to deny the implications of Tom's comment but when he looked at him he realized it wasn't a typical smart aleck comment from Mr. Paris but simply a wish from Tom, his friend. "Thanks," was all he said as he left, not knowing what he would find when he reached his destination.

The Final Conflict: A Time for Truth

Chakotay arrived at her quarters and started to reach for the chime but stopped when he heard music. It sounded like a song was just coming to an end. He decided to wait until it finished. Besides it would give him time to think about what to say. Just as the music stopped he raised his hand again but then the music started again. This time he listened carefully and realized that she must be listening to the same song repeatedly. He leaned against the door and listened. 

_We were strangers starting out on our journey  
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through  
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing  
At the beginning with you  
  
No one told me I was going to find you  
Unexpected what you did to my heart  
When I lost hope you were there to remind me  
This is the start  
  
(chorus)  
Life is a road and I want to keep going  
Love is a river I want to keep flowing  
Life is a road now and forever  
Wonderful journey  
  
I'll be there when the world stops turning  
I'll be there when the storm is through  
In the end I wanna be standing  
At the beginning with you  
  
We were strangers on a crazy adventure  
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true  
Now here we stand unafraid of the future  
At the beginning with you  
  
(chorus)  
  
I knew there was somebody somewhere  
Like me alone in the dark  
Now I know my dream will live on  
I've been waiting so long  
Nothing's gonna tear us apart  
  
(chorus)  
  
Life is a road and I wanna keep going  
Love is a river I wanna keep going on  
Starting out on our journey  
Life is a road and I wanna keep going  
Love is a river I wanna keep flowing  
In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you_

This time when the music ended he did ring the chime but it took more courage than it would have before he had heard the song.

"Come in, Chakotay"

He didn't need to ask how she knew it was him. He knew she felt his presence just as he felt hers when ever she was near.

She was standing at the viewport looking out into the stars as she had done a thousand times before. But tonight was different. Everything had changed dramatically in the last five days.

"I almost cannot believe that I will not stand her tomorrow night and look out this viewport at the sky. I find so much comfort just staring out this window into space. Many of my best, (she pauses for a minute) and worst decisions were made right here." Slowly she takes a sip of coffee but she does not turn. She knows she cannot bear to look at him yet.

"I know what you mean. I was just in Sandrine's having a drink with everyone and couldn't help thinking about all the time we had spent there. I was flooded with memories and suddenly it hit me that we would probably never do this again." He stepped a little further into the room. He felt very unsure. He knew that she did not turn around for some reason so he kept a comfortable distance. He knew in his heart that she had been crying but he had lost the knack for comforting her long ago.

As they stood in silence both of them were filled with memories. They both remembered the many nights they had worked late and had fallen asleep on that very couch. Some how Kathryn always wound up in bed and Chakotay on the couch covered with her quilt.

He remembered how wonderful it had been to fall asleep knowing she was near.

Kathryn remembered how she would wrap the quilt around her the next night and breathe in his scent that still lingered on the cloth.

How had something so wonderful become something so ugly? She knew how, she had broken his heart many times over. And now he had broken hers. She wanted to be mad but she couldn't, she knew she didn't deserve any better.

"You know in my heart I always knew we would make it home. Even after I destroyed the Caretakers Array, or when I rammed Annorax's ship with Voyager, some how I knew we would get here. I just expected to feel different. I expected to be happy. Glad to be home. But I am not. I came to realize many things tonight. One you already know because you have said it to me over and over. Voyager is my home. How can I feel good about going home when I am home? Sure I will be happy to see my mother and sister but if it is at the expense of not seeing my friends then the price is too high."

"What makes you think you will not see your friends?" 

"Everyone will make a new life for themselves. Tuvok will go home to Vulcan. Tom and B'Ellana have their new family. We all know Harry will be pampered for awhile. And you and Seven…" A heavy silence hung in the air.

"So she knew", he thought. 

She continued, "Everyone will move on. I have already lost Kes and Neelix." She got very quiet for a moment. "When I can't get to sleep I won't be able to walk down to the mess hall and grab some coffee and sit and watch the stars. I won't see what a fine young woman Naomi will become and I won't see Miral grow up like I did Naomi. I won't have a standing breakfast date every morning and I won't be able to have dinner with my friend in the comfort of my quarters. In the blink of and eye my life has changed. I just wasn't prepared."

He knew he would miss all those things too. What she didn't realize was that this was the third time he would be losing everything. He lost his homeworld to the Cardassians, the Maquis to many enemies and now Kathryn and Voyager to Starfleet.

She saw him standing and gestured for him to sit down if he wanted to but she remained glued to the window. Chakotay could see her reflection in the glass and now he was sure she had been crying.

Before he sat down he pointed to the replicator; "Do you mind?"

"Of course not."

Chakotay replicated two glasses of wine in hopes that she would eventually sit down. He settled into one corner of the couch and placed her glass at the far end of the table providing her with the safety of the opposite end of the couch.

"Did you know that before becoming the captain of Voyager I was a planner. I used to over analyze everything! Weigh the pros and cons predict the consequences of all possible outcomes, I was a true scientist at heart. In the past seven years, almost every decision I have made has been made in less a few hours. Many were made in the spur of the moment. I know the situation dictated it but I never realized until today that I had lost the art of planning. I have **no** plans. After I answer to Starfleet for all those decisions I made I have no idea what I will do." She chuckled a little, shaking her head and then said, "The irony is that the one decision I spent years agonizing about was the worst decision I ever made."

He wasn't sure what she was saying so he kept his comment neutral. "I always thought you would go back to Indiana. At least for awhile. See you mother and sister."

"For years that was all I wanted, what I yearned for. Now that that seems evident I feel apprehensive. I have changed so much. The person that left here in search of the renegade Maquis leader does not exit anymore."

She smiled just a little when she said Maquis. He wondered if she too was remembering their first meeting on the bridge. He was so angry that he wanted to kill Tom Paris. But then she reached out and put her hand on his chest. "I am sure she thought it was the words that she said that had stopped me from attacking him but it wasn't. It was the shock that ran through my body when she touched me. I realize now that that was one thing I never told her, along with many others." He thought.

Kathryn still stared out the viewport lost in the same scene Chakotay was reviewing in his mind. Neither one knowing they were sharing the same memory. 

"The person I used to be is gone. The person I became, The Captain, will no longer be needed. The person I thought I would be when we returned home is no longer an option."

"We've all changed, Kathryn."

Her mind screamed,"Seven." 

He went on, "Many times during our trip were extremely difficult but many others were wonderful. Some how we always managed to land on our feet, mostly due to your leadership. I only hope we can do the same now that we are home." 

There was sadness in his voice that touched her and broke her out of her reverie. She quickly turned around and moved to the couch and sat directly next to him. She reached out and took his hand. "Oh, Chakotay I am sorry. I was so wrapped up in myself that I did not think of what you must be going through. You know I will do everything in my power to help the Maquis. After all we have been through I don't see how they cannot simply pardon everyone."

"I hope so too, but you know how bureaucracy is, someone always has an agenda that you cannot anticipate."

She knew that was true. She was afraid she knew someone who fit that bill. But that point was mute now. She wondered if she should finally tell him what had held her back all these years. They sat quietly for awhile. Kathryn noticed the wine and welcomed the excuse to move away to the other side of the couch. She was on the verge of telling him when he raised his glass and spoke.

"To the good times!"

She smiled and nodded.

"Shooting pool," He said.

"Beating Tom" she said.

"Out smarting the think tank."

"Out smarting Kayshek."

He didn't like that one. "To temporal anomalies."

She just shook her head at that one. "To the many parties Tom and Neelix threw"

" To Fairhaven"

She gave him a quizzical look at that one. She was not going to toast Riley Frasier or Kellin. "To Kes"

"To Admiral Janeway," he countered.

Then she looked directly in his eyes " To New Earth." And she raised her glass. Did he still remember that fondly? She wasn't sure any more.

He raised his glass and looked out the viewport, "To earth and the new voyages that it will bring."

She drank deeply trying not to get caught up in thoughts of her own future.

"What will you do when the debriefings are over?" She held her breath and waited for his answer.

"I would like to visit my sister and see my nephews." He got a far away look on his face and began to speak more solemnly. "They are the only family I have left. I have lost so much over the years. First the Cardassians took my homeworld. Then the war took the Maquis. Now Starfleet may take away my freedom. It is almost too much to bare." In a flicker of light Kathryn saw a lone tear roll down his check. Instinctively she moved closer and took him in her arms. Many nights he had held her when she needed his strength if she could give him nothing else at least she could give him this. 

Very quietly he began to speak again. She tried to pull away but he held her to him. " I was so idealistic when I joined Starfleet. I defied my father to do it. My people seemed so backward, so limited. I wanted more. I wanted to live in the future not the past. According to him I turned my back on my people. Then after it was too late I returned to help them, but I couldn't. I failed them all. I lost my father's respect, I lost my people and I lost my friends."

She held on to him as his pain ripped through her. It was difficult not to cry for him but she knew that if she did he would close up and try to comfort her instead. So, she held it all inside. 

Then in a voice that was barely audible she heard him say, "Now, I have lost you!"

She was startled. How could he think that? She thought she had lost him. She pulled back and cupped his face with her hands and stared into his tear filled eye. "You never lost me. I am here."

She pulled him closer and held on. She told herself she would enjoy this moment and cherish the memory of the closeness they shared tonight. It would be all she would have left of him once tomorrow came. When it seemed like he was composed she moved a little further away intending to retreat to the other end of the couch but he held her hand and would not let go.

Knowing it was their last night together she felt it was time to tell him some of the things she had kept inside for a long time.

"I have not been very good to you lately. I'm not sure when it started but some where along the line I let this mask of being The Captain come between our friendship. I stopped treating you as my friend and some how you became the enemy. I kept you out of certain decisions. When I did ask for your opinion I usually took the other side just to oppose you. I want to apologize for that and many more things."

He stared at her intently. Had they finally reached their moment of truth? She began to fidget which meant she wanted to get up pace.

He decided to provide her with the opportunity. "Do you want some more wine?" he asked.

"I'll get it," she said as she jumped up.

She brought it back and handed it to him. Before she could sit down he asked, "Why?"

She thought about pretending not to understand but she knew there was no going back now.

"That's not a simple question. I probably didn't realize what I was doing until the admiral told me about you and Seven."

He wanted to tell her how ridiculous that all seemed now but he wasn't ready. He knew he could never have a conversation like this with Seven. She would never begin to understand the depths of his pain where his tribe was concerned. It made him realize how stupid the whole thing was.

"I think I was trying to make you hate me."

Chakotay was stunned. 

"Why, would you want me to hate you?"

"It was easier if you hated me rather than loved me." She forced herself to sit down and make a commitment to being honest.

"Every new day we were stuck in the Delta Quadrant it became harder to be around you and just be your friend. I had fooled myself for years. Pushed everything down inside. I took what you gave me and gave so little in return. I began to not like myself. It was so unfair to you. I know about all the nights on the holodeck boxing or running because you were so frustrated with me. I couldn't keep putting you through that pain. So, I set out to make you hate me. I believe I almost succeeded. In fact until tonight I was sure of it."

He was afraid to speak. He wasn't sure where this was going. Did she just reveal her feelings for him or not. He thought about suggesting that there would have been an easier way to deal with the frustration but it wasn't time for a joke.

"You know the first time I felt it?" She was looking away now. 

He thought she looked like a child shy and vulnerable. "No," was all he said.

"That very first day on the bridge. When you were ready to go after Tom. Even though you were angry I saw a different kind of fire. Then when I pushed you away from him I felt the inferno. Something burned through me as I put my hand on your chest. I never felt raw emotion like that. I remember wondering if it was something like a mind meld. That night I could not even remember what I said. I hoped it was coherent but then I realized you didn't kill him so it must have been."

She heard him laughing softly.

"Okay go ahead and laugh." She reached behind her back and grabbed a pillow and threw it at him.

He caught it deftly and placed it on his lap. "No, I am not laughing at you. You just repeated the incident exactly as I remember it. I cannot tell you one word you said. The minute you touched me I was lost in you. I was thinking about that day before and I couldn't believe I never told how it affected me."

"I knew you were a different man than the reports made you out to be .I came to that conclusion very early on into our journey. I don't know if you remember when we went into the war zone of the P'nir and Hachai."

"I remember."

"Do you remember what you said when I asked you your opinion?"

"I probably said to get the heck out of there," he replied with a smile. 

"No, you said, 'those three destroyed worlds saddened me. Seeing those ruins ate at my spirit.' When you held the doll and spoke of the child who probably owned it I knew you were grieving not just for them but also for all you had seen in the Alpha Quadrant. After that I knew you were no more a criminal than I was. I saw you as a complex, passionate man, and that scared the hell out of me."

"Why would that scare you?"

"In the reports from Starfleet you were a ruthless criminal. They said you fired on Starfleet vessels and killed its crewman. So the picture I had in my mind was a cold cunning man. Yet during the first couple of months you crashed your ship to save Voyager and you felt deep pain about a lost civilization. This was so incongruous with your profile. After awhile I realized that Starfleet was scared of you and what you were doing because they realized how wrong they were in the treaty with Cardassians. They knew they could never bring all the slaughtered people back and the publicity was beginning to be a nightmare. So, they sought a scapegoat. They found you and the Maquis then they sent me out to do their dirty work. It was easy to dislike you on paper but in person," she just shook her head smiling, " you are a force all your own."

Chakotay smiled a little as he pictured her sitting in her ready room mulling him over in her mind.

"It didn't take me long to realize that you were not like any man I had ever known. I had always lived in a world of science. You know, rational, logical. I guess that's why Tuvok and I get along so well. Even though I tended to go full force into things it wasn't with the passion I saw in you. You had such fire within your soul it was amazing. The hard thing was that I wanted to feel that within myself. Experience that level of passion. I don't mean just sexually but in an all encompassing way. Even arguing with you brought such spirit out in me, but instead of embracing it I ran from it."

She stopped to take a sip of wine. She got a far away look in her eyes and continued talking.

"Justin and I got together based on a mutual love for knowledge. He was brilliant and that was so attractive to me. Of course he didn't acknowledge me or my ideas which, only made him more of a challenge. When he died I thought I had died also, but I young. I think the fact that he died along with my father complicated the feelings. If I ever admitted that the love we had was immature it was like I was betraying my father. Then with Mark things were comfortable. You know like your bathrobe or your blanket. Familiar, easy. When we were together we were always doing something. Going here, doing that, visiting with friends. When I looked back I realized we did not spend a lot of time alone with each other. You know how you and I can sit in silence for hours and still feel connected, content. Or at least we used to be able to do that. Well, with Mark it was never like that. Because of my job, I was away from him often and neither of us seemed to mind. When I returned we would fall into our regular patterns once again. Yet, now as I prepare to leave Voyager the thought of not seeing you each day tears at my heart."

Chakotay listened. He was amazed at what he was hearing. The rare honesty and emotion she was giving him was overwhelming. He began to say something when she told him to wait she had more to say. He did move over a little closer and put his arm around the back of the couch.

She wanted to tell him everything. Why she held back. Kathryn looked up and caught his eye and suddenly she lost her train of thought. She smiled warmly. "Do you have any idea how devastatingly handsome you are?" She reached out and touched the side of his hair where it was just starting to turn gray.

"I have wanted to have the freedom to touch you for so long," she said in a quiet seductive voice as she continued to stroke his hair. "You don't know how hard it was to tell you no."

He looked at her with a knowing a look.

She smirked a little, "I guess maybe you do."

"You were always such a gentleman. You know secretly, deep within my heart, part of me wished that you would push me too far where I could not say no. I knew you never would and the consequences would not be good, but for that one moment in time everything would be right. When I was finally honest I realized that if we were ever together it would be like nothing I have ever experienced before. It's like … like everything else before was just sex and this would be…" her face was almost glowing. Finally she caught herself.

"I'm sorry I guess I got carried away with being honest." She didn't want him to think she ever lied to him. So she looked up suddenly trying to explain. "I have always been as honest with you as I could in the moment but for some reason tonight I feel like complete honesty is called for." 

She stood up and stretched and walked around a bit. Trying desperately to calm the churning in her stomach. Why was she doing this? He was with Seven now. Why tell him all this? Why, because if I don't I will become that lonely admiral I met.

"Chakotay am I making you uncomfortable?"

"No, I think this conversation is long over due," he said with a smile, "but when is it my turn to speak?"

She put her hand up to her mouth and laughed. "I guess I have been monopolizing the conversation. If you want to say something, go on."

Just then her combadge rang out. 

She let out a sigh and then answered it. "Janeway here"

"Captain there seems to be some problems with the engines. Since we came through the Hub the power drain has been massive. We have lost warp capability and are running on impulse engines only."

"Does that present any immediate danger, Ensign Kim."

"No, ma'am." he answered trying to hid his surprise at her response. "Just that it will delay our arrival. Since B'Elanna is out of commission I thought you might want to go down and check it out."

"Ensign Kim, everyone has things to get done before we arrive. I myself am working on something very important and I would not like to be disturbed again unless it is urgent. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am," Harry sounded a bit upset.

"Harry," she continued in a softer voice, " I know you are anxious to get home. We have waited seven years to get there a few more hours won't kill us. It will give some of us a chance to adjust to the idea. Proceed at impulse. Janeway out."

When she turned around Chakotay was right behind her. It struck her that he was standing in exact position he stood for seven years. Her rock, she thought. He reached out and stroked her cheek and gently kissed her forehead. "Thank you." He said.

"For what?"

"For giving this conversation the priority that it deserves."

She took his hand and led him back to the couch. They both sat, not separately but not together either.

She looked down and her hands. Afraid to look at him. Afraid of what he would say. She knew what it was but she didn't think she could survive hearing it from him. She steeled herself and prepared to hear about him and Seven. She owed him this much.

So she looked up at him trying to hide the tears in her eyes and said, "You were saying."

"I hardly know where to begin. There is so much I want to say. Let me start with New Earth."

She tensed now. She suddenly had an irrational fear that it was all a lie.

"I have so many wonderful memories and so many regrets. The first night when we saw the monkey." He smiled as he remembered.

"When you were standing there in your towel. It took every ounce of strength I had not to lean down and kiss your shoulder. The feelings you awoke him me were very powerful." He shook his head trying to bring himself out of it. Kathryn reached out and ran the back side of her hand down his cheek. He grabbed it and brought it to his lips for a quick kiss. "Then inside when I massage your shoulders. The feel of your hair as it ran through my fingers. It was the most sensual experience of my life."

"I never should have cut it."

"No you shouldn't have," he whispered hoarsely.

When she looked up she saw the passion in his eyes. His brown eyes had darkened and his pupils dilated. Oh, god maybe he did still feel it. 

He broke their eye contact and continued. "I felt almost like a coward when I told you the legend. I realized just the other day that I always hid my feelings inside stories or deeds. I was never honest enough to put the words out there."

"Oh, Chakotay you had good reason. I am sure I broke your heart many times over."

"Sh, it's my turn remember."

She sat back and settled in and let him continue.

"I knew from almost the first moment I saw you that my destiny was here. It is funny. I spent years rebelling against the ways of my father. I never believed all his stories about how the spirits would guide you but slowly I began to re-think those ideas. I began to add to my medicine bundle when I was on the Liberty. I felt small amounts of comfort in the rituals of my people but my soul was still restless. Then at a point in my life when everything went wrong , I was a captured criminal, my ship was destroyed, and I was thousands of light years from home, I found peace. When I felt your hand touch me on the bridge that day I felt a sense of peace that I had never known before in my life. It was confusing and like you I was scared but it was also warm and wonderful. I knew that serving, as your first officer would make me whole, it would complete me. My entire life I have be called contrary. Always going against the grain, fighting the established ways, yet without a moments thought I gave up that fight to be by your side. I realized that my father was right the spirits do lead you to your destiny and mine was here on Voyager."

"That idea was only confirmed later when you let me share the vision quest with you. No one has ever been as open to my ancestors and their ways as you have. Other people, especially girls who wanted me, pretended to be interested in my history just to impress me but I always knew it wasn't real. You on the other hand had no pretense. You wanted to share my culture and my ways. I have never shared that bond so completely with anyone before. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me." He looked up at her and smiled. He could see the tears in her eyes and was once again amazed at the depth of this woman. He quickly looked away and said, "I am sorry we got away from that bond."

She smiled up at him tears still glistening in her eyes.

He got up and started to walk around before he spoke.

"Kathryn I want to talk about a very touchy subject. I have never said much about it but I need to tonight." He looked at her pointedly. "Tonight we lay all the cards on the table. Right?"

Kathryn nodded her head yes but bit down hard on the inside of her lip so the tears would not fall. She had been wrong about his feelings. She knew he was going to tell her all about him and Seven and their plans for the future.

"I'd like to talk about Kellin."

She jumped at the name. "Chakotay, it is not necessary."

"I need to," he replied.

She shook her head and braced herself for something different than she expected but she wasn't sure it would be better.

He continued to pace the floor, in a style that was more Kathryn's than his. He was nervous. He wanted to make her understand. For some reason it was imperative that she believe him. "I know you read all the logs and spoke to the tracer about what transpired but what you don't know is that I still don't believe it. She says we fell in love but I don't believe it. Yes, she was pretty and interesting to be around but the most she could ever hope to be was a diversion. When I think about love, it is something that burns your soul. It is not something that you could forget even if someone erased your memories. That is why I know I did not love her. I can't say that I didn't like her or that I wasn't with her but I know in here (he touches his chest where his heart is) that I did not love her." He sat back down and took her hands almost pleading with her to believe him.

"May I say something?"

"Go, ahead Kathryn." He let go and leaned back. He knew he could not make her understand because he had betrayed her when he slept with that woman. Even though they never had a formal relationship they both knew he had committed to her in his heart. 

"I will not pretend that it did not hurt me. It did. Though we never said it, I thought we had a commitment of some sort. But I know what you mean because then there was Jaffen. When I really sat down and looked at, everything that happened was you."

He wasn't sure what she meant and he wasn't sure he wanted to hear this. He did not want to know any more details about her and another man than he already did.

"I mean, we worked together to start. When we sat quietly I sat curled up in a blanket on the couch with my back against him. I often found myself tracing his face on the right side of his forehead. He even commented on it and asked me why I did it. I just said it felt right. I know that they altered my memories but when I was tracing his face it was you in my heart not him. I just didn't know it at the time. On the bridge you asked me if I was sorry you rescued me. The moment I looked over and saw your tattoo I knew. I realized that it was my heart longing for you that made me touch him in that way." 

Chakotay spoke trying desperately to keep his feelings under control. "When I saw that you were involved with someone it made me more determined to get you out of there. It was like someone had taken something that was mine and I wanted it back. I was jealous and angry."

"We sure have had a complicated seven years."

"Cards on the table. Right, Kathryn?

Afraid of what was next, she answered right.

"Okay, why now?"

She had stood up and walked back to look out at the stars. She was trying to steel herself for what was next. When she heard his question she turned suddenly and looked at him. He was standing right behind her. This was not the question she expected. She would answer it but she needed strength. Without thinking she walked to him and put her arms around his waist. He responded in kind and held her close. They stood like that for minutes, trying to get their emotions in check. Each drawing strength from the other. Finally she backed away and was ready to answer his question.

"The answer to that question is not simple. But I will try to give you an honest and complete answer. Before I answer why now I need to honestly answer why not before."

She once again led him over to couch. This time she sat very close. She was nestled under the crock of his arm, which was draped around the back of the couch. She desperately wanted to get up and pace. As if he felt her desire he moved his arm down on her shoulder to help give her the strength she needed.

"Let me start at the beginning. First there was Mark. It was only recently that I came to the conclusions about he and I that I told you before. He was my fiancé and I missed him.. I didn't care if it would take 7 days or 70 years to get home. I had no thoughts of becoming involved with anyone. Then you started to break through that excuse little by little. To the point that every time I looked at you I felt like I was cheating on him. In my mind I was and I felt guilty."

"Then there was the fear of what the crew would think. Would they respect us if they knew we were.. in a relationship? We both know they all thought it anyway but I was still afraid of losing their respect."

"Then there was the question of what would happen if it didn't work? I'm not the easiest person to get along with sometimes." She smiled up at him.

"Do tell." He said smiling back.

"Could we continue to work together after a failed relationship? It didn't work for you and Seska."

His eyes flared when she mentioned Seska. "Don't compare yourself to her. You are nothing like that traitor."

"There was also a tremendous fear of losing you."

He reached his arm over her shoulder and grabbed on to her hand. She rolled her thumb across his hand gently caressing him.

"I had already lost Justin to death and could not bear it if I lost you in that way. Because of that fear I knew my command decisions would be affected. Could I ever send you into danger knowing what it might cost? I never knew the answer to that."

"Then there was your Maquis status."

He stiffened when she said that. 

She read his body language and instantly knew he misunderstood. "It's not what you think. I knew no matter what we did out here in the Delta Quadrant Starfleet would still deem it necessary to address the Maquis. I wanted to be able to fight for you honestly with a pure heart. I did not want anyone to be able to say that I was protecting you because of my feelings for you. If a certain Admiral was involved in the debriefings I was sure that our relationship would become an issue. I wanted to be able to answer no when she asked me under oath if we had slept together."

"Kathryn no one is going to ask that."

"You don't know Admiral Alynna Necheyev . She hates me and would take every opportunity to discredit me." She looked up at Chakotay. "I could not let her hatred of me cause you to go to prison. I couldn't trade your freedom for my dreams. I could not live with myself if I did."

He pulled her close and placed his cheek on hers. "That's what has held you back all these years. Isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Why, didn't you tell me? I would have helped you. We could have faced it together."

She settled back down into his arms. "I couldn't. I needed to keep that one excuse as my armor. If I told you I would have become weaker. Every time we found a way home and then got disappointed that would have come into play. I would be rationalizing. 'What if we take 50 years to get home? Who will care if I slept with him?' I just couldn't risk it. You mean too much to me to be that selfish." Trying to lighten the mood she added, "Though it would have been fun."

"It would have been a lot more than fun!" he purred.

"Those are the practical reasons there is more isn't there Kathryn?"

"Yes. I was scared of being in a relationship with you because I knew how consuming it would be. Every emotion I have every had concerning you has been deep. They were like a raging river. Dizzying. You know how much my control means to me. Once I gave myself to you I would no longer be in control of anything. At least the way it was I could separate work from other things. My thoughts of you were private fantasies that I could put away and bring back out when I wanted to. But I knew if they were real, the memories would invade my every waking moment. I was not ready for that while I was commanding a star ship."

He tried to take in all she had said. They had said more tonight in a few hours than most people say in a lifetime. Was it enough to bring them back to each other?

Finally he spoke, "That brings me back to why, now."

She chuckled. "I never did answer that part. Okay here goes." She began to tick off the point one by one. "Well, Mark is no longer an issue. As of tomorrow I will not be making decisions concerning your life. I got a communication from Starfleet and in it Owen Paris informed me that Admiral Alynna Necheyev was off world dealing with some top secret mission involving a kidnapping and therefore would not be involved in the debriefings."

She stopped then and moved away a little and looked straight into his eyes. "As for the last reason, I realized after talking to Admiral Janeway that I gave myself to you a long time ago. Not physically but spiritually. You already had my soul. I had given you something that no one had even seen. You were a part of me, so control was no longer an issue. Looking at the sadness in the admiral's eyes made me realize that if I did not tell you these things tonight I would be miserable the rest of my life."

She reached up and cupped his face in her hands. "I love you Chakotay." She leaned in and kissed him lightly on the lips. Then she withdrew and got up and moved back to her viewport fighting the emotion that boiled inside her. She was holding in sobs that were just begging to escape.

She began to speak, "I know…"

He interrupted her. "I think it is my turn to speak."

"Fair enough," she managed to say.

He took a few minutes in an attempt to center himself. The thudding of his heart was so strong it threatened to burst out from his chest. He wanted to hold her and never let go but he knew he needed to keep his distance or he would never be able to speak coherently.

"Kathryn, I have waited a very long time to hear you say those words. You can't begin to know how I feel right now. When I came here I wanted to see if you were okay. I hoped that maybe we could talk and at least part friends tomorrow. I never expected hours of brutal honesty. I have had more ups and downs today than I had on any shuttle ride. Even the ones I crashed," he added with a smile.

"I too always knew we would get home. I did hope that we would to it together." She turned to remind him that they did do it together. But before she could speak he said, "I mean really together. If you want me to be honest then I need to tell you that I have thought about making love to you almost every night for more nights than I can remember. I pictured it in every conceivable place on this ship. I thought about it so much it invaded my dreams. Lying just next door with a single wall between us I longed for you night after night. Yet, you made it clear that I would not have you."

Kathryn couldn't help it any longer the tears quietly streamed down her face.

"So, I did everything in my power to move on. Yes, I spent a lot of time boxing and running to clear out the frustration, but it only helped my body not my mind. You were still there. What's really ironic is that the more you tried to make me hate you, your words not mine, the more I wanted to reach out and help you. Despite all my pain I knew your spirit was wounded. Even though you would not admit it, your heart was also broken and now tonight I know that that was true. I convinced myself that moving on was the best thing for both of us. It's amazing how easily the mind believes a lie, but the heart does not. The heart remains constant."

He walked over to join her at the viewport. He took her arm and turned her to face him. She was crying and looked bewildered. He realized once again he was masking his words with different words. It was time for complete honesty. Like she did before, he took her face in his hands, looked into her beautiful blue eyes and said, "Kathryn, I love you."

Before she had a chance to say anything he pulled her close to him and firmly kissed her lips.

She returned his kiss tentatively at first exploring his mouth with hers. Then as it got more urgent she felt weak. Some where in her mind she knew her knees had just buckled but he pulled her body close to his and held her up. 

They were both lost in their kiss so they did not hear the combadge chirping until it had done so three times.

Chakotay broke off the kiss when he realized that it was his. "Son of a …", he muttered under his breath.

Kathryn smiled because it was so unlike him speak like that.

"Chakotay here." His breathing was hard and he knew it.

"Commander"

At the sound of Seven's voice Kathryn looked horrified. She went to back away and put some distance between them. But he would now allow it. He held her arm and pulled her back into his chest flush against his body.

"Commander are you there?"

"Go ahead Seven," he said through his clenched teeth.

"I wish to speak with you…in private."

"That is not possible."

"It is of the utmost importance."

"Seven, unless the ship is about to be destroyed and we will all die unless I personally stop it, than there is nothing more important than what I am doing right now. I will speak to you tomorrow. Chakotay out."

"That was harsh don't you think Chakotay?"

He broke away from her embrace. He began to pace as he ran his fingers through his hair. 

"Kathryn I have spent years living for other people. Sacrificing what I want for what other people want, for the good of the ship, for the good of the crew, and especially for the good of the captain. You have done the same thing. It ends tonight." He was angry. They had come so far tonight he was not going to let anyone stop it!

He moved back to her and continued speaking, a little softer this time. "I knew hours ago that what I had with Seven is over. When you and I began talking, really talking, I realized that I could never have a conversation like this with her. The depth is just not there. The connection is not there." Chakotay reached out and took her hands. "You and only you are my heart, you are my soul, you are my _imzadi._"

"The angry warrior promises to stay by her side and make her burden lighter. If she'll have him."

__

  
Life is a road and I wanna keep going  
Love is a river I wanna keep flowing  
In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you

"If you'll have me."

They both smiled. Kathryn buried her face in Chakotay's chest. He buried his face in her hair. Both happy to finally be together.

Suddenly Chakotay pulled back. Kathryn didn't know what was coming but he had a very mischievous look on his face.

"Since a certain admiral is offworld then the chances of anyone asking that one particular question you feared so much are almost non-existent. Right?"

She shook her head.

"My question to you then is, if anyone does ask, do you still want to be able to answer no?"

Despite all they had been through tonight she couldn't look him in the eye and admit her desire for him. She lowered her lashes toward the ground and whispered, "No."

With that he bent down and scooped her up into his arms and carried her toward her bedroom. Tonight they would both live out a fantasy they had secretly shared for years.

The End

  



End file.
